


and they were roommates

by Anonymous



Series: Gramander ficlets [2]
Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Gen, M/M, Mistaken Identity, Pre-Slash, Romantic Comedy, Roommates, and they were both dumbasses, hijinks everywhere, literally just a very long bulletpoint list of ramblings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:08:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28489569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: A modern day AU where Percival is magical and Theseus is not, but Newt very much is. Literally just a very long bullet point list of roommate hijinks, mistaken identity, and beast wrangling in a small NYC apartment.
Relationships: Original Percival Graves/Newt Scamander
Series: Gramander ficlets [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2086830
Comments: 1
Kudos: 57
Collections: Anonymous





	and they were roommates

**Author's Note:**

> (or alternatively, [gude](https://archiveofourown.org/users/elementary/pseuds/gudetama) indulges me when I attacked her messages with a proposal; the modern day aspect barely factors, woops) 
> 
> this is barely coherent, but still good fun :)

  * a modern day AU where Percival is magical and Theseus is not, but Newt very much is
  * Theseus and Percival meet by chance (as in: Percival is visiting England when looking into English wizarding universities and almost gets run over by Theseus on a bike and they become fast friends)
  * fast forward to Percival on the cusp of turning forty and attempting to drown himself in a coffee cup because he’s been forced to retire to consultant work for the auror office on account of a bad leg injury (imagine him with a nice slim black walking cane). Theseus thinks he should get a roommate because Percival has no family, no friends, and not even a pet and isn’t it perfect that his young brother is in the city doing an adjunct position at NYU and writing his book and oh, did Theseus mention he needed a place to stay?
  * Percival gets this text along with flight details because Theseus has gone and told Newt to just _show up_. Percival assumes Newt is also a no-maj because well, its the _safe_ assumption isn’t it?
  * (This is really just a thin veneer to have roommate shenanigans w a side of “oh no gotta hide the magic from the muggle” antics.)
  * Percival realizes he has to learn how to make coffee the no-maj way (it’s hard! Coffee makers are just wired to break!) Newt ends up having to layer so many silencing charms on his suitcase and locking charms on his room because oh god what if the niffler gets loose. Percival asks Newt what he studies and Newt chokes out something about conservation and zoology. Newt wonders how Percival had managed in a house with no trash cans (vanishing is useful and also a terrible habit).
  * Theseus said Newt is teaching at NYU but actually, he’s consulting for MACUSA, but he and Percival’s schedules never match up so they never run into each other. Also the beast division and auror division are on different floors, so that’d be a moot point.
  * Percival talks to Newt about something and then they bid each other good night. Newt assumes it’s safe to go down into his suitcase now and he does (at this point he probably has a charm on the actual bedroom door in case Percy comes by) and he’s in the middle of feeding the nundu when Percival belatedly remembers something important and he knocks on Newt’s door and the man possibly can’t be asleep it was literally five minutes ago that they parted and the charm activates and Newt is R U N N I N G and apparating clumsily and dashing up the ladder, looks so ruffled and flushed by the time he opens the door and Percival’s like ……………… did I interrupt your private time oh god this is hella awkward
  * Percival is used to keep a window open for the mail owls and he doesn’t realize how bad it would be for one to just swoop in with the morning news tied to its feet because that’s not normal animal behavior and Newt would _know_ that wouldn’t he. Percival realizes this just as he is puttering around the kitchen trying to learn how to clean coffee grounds from the filter and hears Newt coming out from the shower and the hallway has a direct view of the open window and shit is that Sera’s golden owl zooming in from far away??? Percival throws the coffee filter on the floor in his haste to run over to to slam the window shut and magic the blinds down. He hears a thump as the owl hits the glass and winces, hoping it was okay, knowing that Sera would have his _head_ if anything serious badly happened to her pet. 
  * Percival is splayed across the window as Newt turns to stare curiously at him. “G-good morning,” Percy clears his throat, “uhh its uh. hailing. Large golf sized ice. Had to close the window before it got in.”
  * “Hail? But it was sunny just half an hour ago during my morning jog,” Newt looks confused. Percy can hear the insistent tapping of the beak on the window. The owl is fine then; but that means Newt can _also_ hear it. Percival laughs shakily, “Weather changes fast up here. Could be sunny one second or hail the next or even snow. Who really knows”
  * Newt tilts his head, clearly not believing him but he turns away all the same, striding back to his room. Percy watches him turn the corner for a moment and then turns to open the window just a bit only to slam it closed again when Newt calls his name and Percival’s first reaction is “Just checking on the hail! That’s all!”
  * (What about word stumbles when they have to cover up in the middle of saying a word they’re used to and it still makes grammatical sense but meaning-wise it’s just weird)
  * “When dealing with the no-ma-ads…”
  * “Nomads? Do you travel often?”
  * “I. Did.”
  * Or “Oh, those mug…s,” and Percival thinks Newt likes mugs and gets one for him at some point ‘hey I heard you like mugs’
  * (the mug is one of those super stereotypical 'i ❤ NY’ mugs bc, of _course_ )
  * Newt gets sick because he magically umbrella’d his way home from a downpour and he’s way too fluffy and dry for someone who walked/bussed home in it, so he thinks maybe he should go splash around in a couple puddles. 
  * Newt starts sneezing and Percival is worried, but Newt says,” No, I’ll be fine - I’ll just take a pepper- I mean. Eat. A pepper. Yes. I eat peppers when I’m sick. Helps with the stuffy nose.”
  * And Percival being the NY native asks if Newt likes spicy food b/c he knows a good Thai takeout place. Newt can only nod to continue the lie but he actually can’t handle spicy food at all. 
  * Cut to Percival digging into his green curry with relish and newt guzzling Thai tea to soothe the burn from his throat while trying desperately to look like he’s enjoying his food.
  * (but it does clear his sinuses so…win/win?? but he never wants to see another pepper again)
  * Newt is crying tears and blood trying to eat spicy food that is amazingly cute and Percival just thinks, 'what do you know, it does work’ because they’re both dumbasses
  * A sheet of paper with some sketches fall out of Newt’s overstuffed notebook and his heart nearly stops when Percival picks it up to examine them.
  * “Are these your sketches?” The man’s eyebrows furrow, “I thought you studied animals? These don’t-”
  * “Extinct! They’re ah- extinct!” Newt yelps in a strangled voice as he snatches the paper out of Percival’s with a bit more force than necessary. “You know ummm scientific reconstruction, ah, artist reimagining, all that. Goes with the ah textbook I’m writing. Yeah.”
  * “I see,” Percival says. The sketch had looked eerily reminiscent of a niffler and an erumpent - he’d remember to have some words with the Department of Creature Regulations some time because clearly they weren’t doing a good job of keeping magical creatures out of the eyes of no-majs.
  * Pickett insists on going with Newt to work one day and he can’t very well have a leaf poking out from his pocket so he gets a pot and attempts to convince Pickett to bury himself in and pretend to be a houseplant. 
  * Percival unfortunately enters the apartment just as newt is ready to step out. carrying. a small houseplant. in his hand.
  * Pickett’s leaves sway ominously. Newt wonders if he can pass it off as a breeze even though they’re in the doorway of the seventh floor of an condominium.
  * They the most observant and sharp-eyed dudes around tho, so it’s _hell_ trying to sneak around each other.
  * They both think the other a little strange. Weird thumps coming from Newt’s room at all hours, aborted arm waving (wandless magic is a terrible, terrible habit) from Percival. 
  * But also Percival teaches himself how to cook the muggle way and he finds that it makes him feel useful, using his hands to make dishes that feed them both. (He’d totally be the type who would rather cook for two people than just himself). He finally learns how to use the coffee machine manually and even gets into grinding his own beans. His mood improves and it’s not so bad, sharing home with another person, even if that person makes a bit of a racket at times. 
  * Newt thinks Percival is terribly stern and intimidating at first, and wonders at the cane he holds in his grip. Theseus told him it was a combat injury and Newt has his fair share of experience in volatile environments, so he can understand a bit. He slowly finds out that Percival’s face is just stuck like that; he’s not actually a huge grump most of the time. (Though Percival won’t say a word before his first cup of coffee.) A set of tea tins from a high end tea shop appears in the kitchen along with a ceramic 'i ❤ ny’ mug after the 'muggle’ incident. He asks about newt’s research and seems interested in the book he’s writing (the former, newt can cobble together answers from his knowledge of non magical creatures…the latter however, newt tells himself firmly to worry about it when the time comes).
  * All in all, they sort of settle around each other. Percival says he consults for a private security firm. Newt maintains that he’s an adjunct at NYU. They don’t pry into each others paper thin lies because who doesn’t have skeletons in their closet.
  * There are two ways this situation pans out: 
  * (1); At the actual point when they find out, maybe everything was already too suspicious that it’s rather anti-climactic
  * Percival just, “It really wasn’t a crow that stole my cuff links, was it,”
  * Newt all, “Yes, sorry about that. It was the extinct scientific reconstruction I told you about.”
  * And Percival snorts and Newt laughs and Seraphina opens the door saying, “The meeting needed to start yesterday, gentlemen.”
  * ALTERNATIVELY (2); they just stare at each other in shock and memory after memory running through their head at all the trouble they had to go through in order to preserve their secrets and they simultaneously yell WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY ANYTHING and get into an argument right outside the door
  * and side: (honestly Queenie would have a laughing fit as soon as she hears abt this situation. she gets the best front row seats)
  * (She gives them both cookies for the best entertainment shes had in years)
  * Percival doesn’t want the cookie he wants five months less of grey hair and wrinkles and Newt 'kindly’ eats it for him
  * or (3) we have _both_ ; argument outside of Seraphina’s office, debrief on the way home, and then Skype-yelling at Theseus who is kinda like ‘uhhj I assumed all magical people knew each other - isn’t that how it works?? ?? why else would i send newt to live with u?????’
  * They’d yell at him because then they’re too embarrassed by being called out like that
  * Theseus: ‘don’t you magic people have like some kind of radar??? i mean??you can literally fly and create space out of nothing and yet you dont have like… a way to tell each other apart????’
  * Percival is spluttering, Newt is like ‘well he might have a point’, Pickett pops out of the pot on the kitchen table, the niffler runs past them holding the shiny lid of Percival’s new french press and he’s about to have another aneurysm because Newt has _magical creatures_ running amok
  * Percival: NEWTON ME KNOWING ABOUT YOU ISN’T A PERMISSION FOR YOU TO COMMIT ILLEGAL ACTS IN MY PRESENCE
  * Percival insists on seeing Newt’s case and almost faints when Newt sheepishly admits he doesn’t have any permits for them. He can’t give any since he’s just a consultant now but he can call in favors and bully the auror’s office into issuing some. 
  * Newt might be completely smitten after that.
  * Percival is all tsundere about that and grumbling that it’s just this once and it’s Newt’s responsibility to renew them when they expire but damn Newt has a really cute smile and he only realizes he’s staring when Theseus pointedly clears his throat because he’s still there excuse you
  * Percival shushes him with a wave of the hand and the Skype call ends as the laptop closes in on itself and Newt is all, wow, wandless magic??? 
  * Percival feels a swoop in his stomach and an odd urge to do cartwheels or something because _wow_ Newt’s impressed face is giving him heart palpitations.
  * Meanwhile in England, Theseus is pretty happy that his matchmaking scheme went well, tho the two idiots took a while longer to figure everything out. Looks like magic had nothing to do with intelligence.
  * Then cue roommate shenanigans of the magical variety ft. even more suffering for Percival via grey hairs and wrinkles and waking up to demiguise fur stuffed in his mouth. 
  * (And yes, Newt is horrified when he learns about the Owl Incident. ‘Percy she could have cracked her beak! What if she was stunned and fell! You live on the seventh floor Percy honestly-’)
  * and of course, they live happily ever after. even with Percival’s grumbling and bad leg on rainy days and Newt’s creatures and papers infesting the condo and Pickett never quite forgiving them for burying him in dirt)



**Author's Note:**

> reposted from tumblr for posterity


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